COMPUTERS by LIMERICK
© Lou deMartelly 2010

This is a licensed software product sold at a fair price.
Please respect our copyright. We need the money to pay for the computer!
























MENU
HELp
About Us
ASCII
Back Up
Bit
Boot
Bug
Byte
CD Drive
CAD
CaMeL
Card
COBOL
Commercial
CTRL+ALT+DEL
c
Database
eBAY
Email
FORTRAN
Graph
GUI
Hex, Hexadecimal
Homepage
ISAM
Lawyers
Linux
Lotus
Memory, RAM
Modem
Monopoly
Mount
Nantucket
Net
Nerd
Notebook
Paperless Office
Password
Piracy
Printer
Query
RAM
Random
Random Access
Power Surge
ROM
Root
Scan
Script
Spreadsheet
Virus
Web (www)
Word
Works
ZIp
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ASCII
Its Regarded as slightly nasty,
To greet folks at parties in ASCII,
Or others to vex,
With speeches in hex,
It may lead to a rhinoplasty.

"ASCII" (Pronounced "ass key" by nerds and geeks) stands for
"American Standard Code for Information Interchange". Pretty
much all text information on the web is sent in ASCII. It has
256 letters, but the first 32 and the last 128 aren't used any
more, which leaves 96, 32 numerals and punctuation, 32 capitals
and punctution, and 32 lower case letters and punctuation.


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Back Up
An obstinate user named Zak,
Completely refused to back,
He copied his files,
To vinyl floor tiles,
Which he glued to the floor of his shack.

Backup refers to making a copy of your stuff so when you blame
the computer for your screw-up you can find another copy made
(hopefully) before the mistake. Just in case you backed up the
mistake, a back up of the backup may be OK. Its called "grandfather".
The next back up copies over the grandfather, and the previous back
up becomes the new grandfather.

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Bit
A User in great distress,
Ran his files through a data compress,
Had a great fit,
Crunched 'em down to one bit,
And that was a zero no less.

Computers store everything in binary as ones or zeroes. A bit is a BInary uniT
of information, thus its name. The idea came from telephone switches in the 1940's.
They were ON or OFF (1 or 0). Computers do math in binaries (bit by bit?) and keep
text characters in them as well. Its only with some difficulty that they convert to
base ten. Maybe that's why they're so hard to understand.


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Bug
Poor Fred was under the gun,
To get 1.0 to run,
Discovered the bug,
Swept it under the rug,
And renamed it as 1.1.

Software products like word processors and such are numbered with
a whole number and a decimal. The whole number is a major revision,
and the decimal is usually a fix. Look out if you see a ".0". thats
usually the first test. The higher the number, the more stable.
The term "bug" came from an early computer whose problem was found to be
insects which had eaten the insulation on its wiring.

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Byte:©
A Mathemetician named Bix,
Couldn't count up to 256,
Try as he might,
He had only one byte,
With a word he's up to new tricks.

Yup! A byte, the basic unit of storage, holds 8 bits, (1s or 0s) 2 to the 8th
is only 256. Putting 2 bytes together into a "word" gets you to 65,768 (2^16)
good enough for a week's expenses. 64 bit machines but 8 bytes together (2^64),
but I forget what that is, but its enough for the national debt (at current
writing). Computers do math this way, but I can't. Oh yea, zero counts so he
could only get to 255.

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CD Drive
A hungry young girl named Maria,
Used her CD,
To cook her tortilla,
When the techs got it out,
She shouted right out,
"No es caliente. Es fria."*

* (Its not hot. Its cold.)

Apologies to Maria and all of her relatives. This was our best effort at a bilingual limerick.
Actually CD and DVD drives are kind of sensitive. Once they go you're SOL. The disks,
themselves can sometimes be restored, but pretty much the same goes for them too.

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CAD
A lecherous draftsman named Thad,
Put some of his pictures in CAD,
When viewed on the screen,
They were somewhat obscene,
And got all of his customers mad.

CAD stands for Computer Aided Drafting. A CAD system makes a drawing by
pointing and clicking lines and circles and such onto the screen. Some
systems have 3D so you can see the thing from any angle. These often talk
to the machine so that it can make the part directly from the information
in the computer drawing. Thad may have been a little ahead of his time.
After getting fired, he found a job with Disney and draws only Mickey and Pluto.

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CaMeL:©
There's a guy in the corner named Samuel,
I believe it was he wrote the manual,
Maybe he can explain,
'Fore he leaves for his train,
TheNotationHePutThereinCamuel [sic].

Lots of good names in computers have several words, but some software
Doesn't allow spaces. No problem for geeks. They just start each word
with a capital letter and spell the rest in lower case. The humps remind
them of a camel somehow.



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Card
A receptionist name of Colleen,
Couldn’t get things to show on her screen.
She wiggled the card,
Then jammed it in hard.
What her boss said was mostly obscene.

Cards, sometimes called "boards", are those little things that plug into the inside
of your computer tomake it do things that didn't come with your cheap model. Some
plug into the side of your laptop "PCMCIA Cards". Don't force or wiggle them. The
contacts are fragile. Same goes for Ethernet and USB connections.



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COmmon Business Oriented Language
A guy who worked down the hall,
Wrote all of his notes in COBOL,
Ran out in terror,
When he saw FATAL ERROR,
And promptly disposed of them all.

Computer programming languages are people languages. Most need another
translater language (compiler) so that the computer can use them. COBOL
has been pretty much the standard for business applications. It works
like accountants think. No good for algebra; see FORTRAN or even basic.
COBOL is for accounting. Its compiler analyses the code and determins
if it will work if not, the dreaded FATAL ERROR message,

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[Ctrl]+[Alt]+[Del]
A woman who worked in bare feet,
Selected CONTROL, ALT, DELETE,
Her nudness was muted,
As she was rebooted,
She said, "That's exceedingly neat!

Back in DOS days, the key combination [Ctrl]+[Alt]+[Del] when pressed together would
cause an automatic reboot (warm restart) of the system. Its still around, but has a
saftey menu in the way. [F4] will often get you out of trouble when your mouse button
wont work.
As for the term "boot", it comes from the idea that a program that automatically started
the computer with no user instruction was like "pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps"
The little hard wired program that did it was called a "boot strap loader". The term stuck.

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"c":©
Jim got a program for free,
He thinks it was written in "c",
Wiped his disk clean,
And trashed his machine,
And now its been given to me!

"c" was initially developed by AT&T ("a" was 1st try) and is the basis for a series
of languages for building web apps, Java, Java Script, Perl, PHP, and some others I
probably left out. The idea of c is that it is close to the native way computers work
and loses less in the translation. Which also means that c programmers have to be smarter
than say COBOL programmers. Since I've never written a COBOL program (outside of class),
I couldn't say for sure. I s'pose it must be pretty good for viruses, but I never
wrote one of those either.

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(FREE SAMPLE)
The ones above you can try,
To enjoy the rest you must buy,
Its easy to do,
Just a few bucks to Lou,
And on your way they will fly.

Your limerics are copyrighted and (all rights are reserved). You cannot use these in any
commercial publication. Limited rights are available for use of these or those in the full
set (see menu). You may redistribute the trial version freely. It is optimized for Internet
Explorer. If you are useing a different browser, spacing may be slightly different. Copies
of the complete set are available optimized for FireFox and Google Chrome.
Get your copy now just $2.95 (USD) (S&H included)!

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Help

Use this to stop those techie excuses intended to go over your head. Find the biggest word they used and give 'em the limerick. They'll never try it again. In your spare time try limericks. You'll soon become so dangerous that you'll find a new respect with your geeks. Try a big word on 'em. Geeks all think they are responsible to know everything, but they know they don't. They are always afraid of what they don't know. Your occasional big word will keep 'em at bay.

If you're totally new to computers and someone gave you this thinking it might help, there's a couple of things to get you started. You'found the help section, so you know how to click. The slider bar on the right margin will reveal the rest of the index. Put the mouse pointer on it and drag it down while holding the left mouse button. Clicking on any item will reveal the related limerick and a little background info to make you dangerous at cocktail parties. Go ahead and try things on the computer. You probably won't screw it up too bad. Remember you're only worth your mistakes! That's how the rest of us learned.

Computer savy managers will find these useful responses to dismiss dumb ideas and stupid mistakes. A ridiculous limeric is a worse rebuke than a serious explanation of the many reasons why the idea won't work. CAUTION: some dumb ideas do work.

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About Us

Lou deMartelly has worked in the computer industry for over three decades. Being honest about the limitations of his companies' computers, he was frequently at odds with his sales manager. Thus he has worked for nearly everyone. He currently works with clients on websites and to develop database applications. As a writer, he has published a novel, Charles Martel and the Lance of Destiny and is working on another while searching for an honest publisher!! This was written over the years to remedy the frustrations of dealing with obedient idiots (the computers, I mean).

This little program runs on your browser - not on the Internet. This trial version is FREE. Use it. Enjoy it. Give is to your friends. Give it to your enemies. Our limericks aren't free. they're all copyrighted and cannot be used in commercial publications without permission. Email us (lou@demartelly.com) and we'll make you an offer you can't refuse.

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How about the first word of a naughty

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